Unova, Eff Yeah!
by The Renowned Obscurity
Summary: Because everything is more awesome...IN UNOVA. A kind of ridiculous Gen V one-shot collection.      Chapter 6: In which Burgh reveals the true source of his artistic inspiration.
1. Arceus Bless Unova

**Do not read this if you are easily offended. Do not read this if you are easily disturbed by squicky business. Do not read this if you like Unova (I adore Unova, but I'm about to take a massive dump on all the characters in the most unfunny way possible). **

**Will contain drabbles/ficlets/one-shots covering a variety of genres, pairings, characters, situations, etc. They will be longer than this one, I promise.**

**Rated T for language, sexual business, and generally inappropriate content.**

**Enjoy. :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't take life seriously enough to own anything.**

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**Arceus Bless Unova**

As the sun slowly sunk down over the horizon, casting a golden rainbow of colors across the water, a seaplane pulled into one of Castelia City's many ports. Skyscrapers stretched as far as the eye could see, with some of the tallest being swallowed by the dusky evening sky.

One by one, the passengers climbed off the vessel to immediately be greeted by the sights and sounds of true Unovian spirit. A band and choir joined together in harmony to perform one of the nation's most beloved songs, _Arceus Bless Unova_. A couple of Braviary, Unova's mascot, soared in circles around a flag pole which proudly displayed the region's flag. On the shore, the passengers were treated to tables of some of Unova's finest delicacies – fried everything.

Among the passengers was Unova-born, yet current Kanto-native and war veteran, Lieutenant Matthew Surge. He stepped out onto the dock and had to pause for a moment to absorb the beauty before him. A Unova-flag bandana-clad Raichu stood at his side, equally in awe.

As red, blue, and white fireworks burst into the air with deafening cracks, Lt. Surge removed his sunglasses, a single manly tear rolling down his face.

"Goddamn, do I love this country."

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**I've never been good at being subtle.**

**Expect biweekly updates, yeahh.**


	2. Land That I Love

**I think I actually managed to ward off readers. Thanks to those who did read/review.**

**The beautiful, sweet irony in this chapter is that it was written **_**before **_**Touya and Touko's official English names were revealed.**

**Characters - Hilda/Hilbert, Ice Cream Vendor  
Genres - Humor/Crack, Romance**

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**Land That I Love**

Hilda grabbed Hilbert's hand and proceeded to drag him through the streets of Castelia City.

"Can we _please _slow down, Hilda?"

"Never, not when the ice cream vendor is about to close shop!"

She sped up, causing Hilbert to stumble over himself to keep up. The duo wove through the other pedestrians and narrowly avoided cars when jay-running across the street.

"You're going to get us killed, you know?" Hilbert said, causing Hilda to slow down, if only a little bit.

"I would be okay with that, as long as we die together," the brunette responded, with a wink. They rounded another corner, finally coming to Mode Street. The ice cream cart was in clear view, with no visible line. This was unusual, but as the sun set, the spring air was becoming rather cool. This was becoming a weekly routine for the two of them actually, these ice cream runs.

"Here we are!" Hilda skidded to a halt in front of the cart, grinning widely.

"Finally."

"What can I get you two, some of my most loyal customers?" The vendor asked with a smile.

"I'll take two scoops of strawberry, and one scoop of chocolate, covered in cookie pieces!" Hilda replied.

"And I'll take –"

"He'll just have a scoop of vanilla."

Hilbert shot her a look of annoyance, but didn't bother to change his order. It was probably best he didn't order a lot, since Hilda most likely expected him to pay…again.

"Coming right up," the vendor said, and began scooping the ice cream.

Hilbert fished around in his wallet for money, which was a bit of a difficult task with only one hand (Hilda had his left hand in her grasp, and refused to let go).

Finally, he managed to obtain the correct amount of currency and laid it on the counter. The vendor handed them both their Casteliacones.

"Hey, I've been wondering," the vendor began as they took their food, "you guys wouldn't happen to be related, would you?"

Stopping dead, Hilbert's face heated up to a bright red. He _hated _this question, and the pair got asked it quite often. But with the same wavy, brown locks, identical facial structures, and near-matching style of dressing, it was easy to assume.

Hilda only smiled and Hilbert felt his stomach clench as panic filled his body and then –

With her free hand, Hilda pulled Hilbert's face down to meet her lips, capturing them in a full kiss, and then led his free hand to lower than her lower back. The ice cream vendor just watched the salvia-swapping in a stunned silence.

As Hilda pulled away, she flashed a sly grin at the vendor and took a lick of her ice cream.

"Does that answer your question?" The vendor went to nod, and Hilbert went to run, but before any of that could happen, Hilda spoke again. "Because we're actually cousins."

And Hilbert's single scoop of ice cream went falling to the pavement.

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**It's funny because people think they have hillbilly names. :V**


	3. Stand Beside Her

**Thanks for the reviews, my friends.**

**Characters - Cheren, Bianca  
Genre - Gross Humor  
Notes/Warnings - This chapter was spawned by a fic-turned-meme, and I probably made it TERRIBLE.**

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**Stand Beside Her**

If Cheren knew that Stunky existed, he would be blaming them for the foul stench currently offending his nostrils. But since he didn't he just assumed an army of Trubbish somehow migrated and were now running amok on Route 4.

The more he trudged on, the more unbearable the smell became. But he was determined; a little vomit-inducing scent wouldn't stop him from becoming Champion of Unova. As he made it over the hill, he took a second to catch his breath (by breathing into his shirt sleeve). At the bottom, he noticed a feminine figure, walking relatively fast. Her striking green and orange color scheme caught Cheren's eye.

"Bianca?" Coughing a little bit, he ran down the hill to meet up with her. "Hey, Bianca!"

She whipped around, startled, but did not stop moving. In fact, she seemed to move faster upon recognizing Cheren. But the boy did not slow down and soon fell into place beside the blonde. Unfortunately, the stench seemed to have gotten a thousands times worse.

Covering his face with his arm, Cheren turned to address Bianca.

"Where are you going in such a hurry? I mean, you're always so slow."

Bianca simply looked flustered as she quickened her pace. "I- well- I just have to meet someone in the next town and we-"

"I'm sure they expect you to be late, as always. Either way, we might as well walk together. Perhaps company could help us get our minds off the horrible smell." Bianca flushed a bright pink. "You don't know what's causing it, do you?"

The blonde shook her head so rapidly it was a wonder that her hat didn't fly off.

And then suddenly –

_PFFFFFFFFFT_

Bianca's hand flew to her mouth and her blush deepened.

"Oh gosh, Bianca, did you just…?"

More gas escaped from Bianca's derriere, just as much and the accompanying sound being just as loud. Her green eyes shone with tears of embarrassment. "Cheren, I'm sorry!"

The bespectacled boy tried his best not to heave. "This is… At least… At least say excuse me!"

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**What the hell, /vp/? Turning Bianca farting into meme. Most credit should be given to Yoshizilla-Rhedosaurus though, who published the original Bianca farting story on this site.** **It seems to be vastly superior to whatever this is, so**** check it. 8)**


	4. And Guide Her

**Trucking errors ruining my updating schedule… But check me out, BEATIN' THE SYSTEM.  
This chapter was technically supposed to be about Fennel and Professor Juniper, but then I got lazy and didn't write it. **

**So you get this instead, whatever this is.**

**Characters: N/Chili, Cress, Cilan  
Genre: …Logic-lacking humor?

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**And Guide Her**

_"N, my son, your job is the most important. While I am out with the rest of the Sages speaking to the trainers in the general public, you – __you__ – must visit the Gyms and make the Leaders aware of the crimes they are committing against Pokemon. Can you handle that?"_

_ N nodded enthusiastically. "Yes, honorable father."_

"I can handle it."

The Gym in Striaton City loomed before N, a large castle of sorts. The green-haired male swallowed, nervousness wracking his body. But he wouldn't let himself be intimidated. He wouldn't let his father down.

Slowly, N pushed open the heavy wooden doors leading into the Gym. The lighting was dim, being provided only by a few candles scattered throughout the room on round tables. N had never seen a Pokemon Gym before, but he had seen a restaurant. And this place much resembled the latter.

Thinking somehow he entered the wrong building, N proceeded to back out of the room. He didn't get very far though, as two shadowy figures appeared practically out of nowhere.

"Welcome to the Striaton Restaurant," one greeted, bowing.

"Are you here to sample our _nightly special_?" the other asked, leading N inside the darkened quarters and shutting the door behind him.

"I'm not actually here to eat, I'm here to – "

"Sorry, but we're not accepting any challengers tonight." The one that spoke stepped into brighter lighting, revealing himself to be a wavy, azure-haired boy in waiter's attire. The person beside him was dressed identically, but with odd green eyes and hair like grass.

"We deeply apologize, so let us feed you to make up for it." The verdant-haired one said. "I'm Cilan, by the way. And this is my twin brother, Cress."

The other nodded in acknowledgement. "Pleased to make your acquaintance."

"I'm actually not here for a battle either," N managed to finally say. "In fact, I'm completely against Pokemon training and everything the League supports. And you should be too!"

"Now, now," Cilan said, placing a hand on N's shoulder. "Talking on an empty stomach isn't good for you."

The twins lead N to what seemed like the darkest corner of the restaurant and sat him down. Striking a match, Cress lit a single candle, which barely illuminated the feast before N. Chicken nuggets, mini burgers, waffle fries, pigs-in-a-blanket, and various other foods were all laid out on an oddly shaped table.

N was hesitant – was it safe to accept food from strangers? – but that's when his stomach rumbled loudly. All trepidation gone with the wind, N began to scarf down the feast.

Cilan and Cress watched silently, yet intently as the mysterious green-haired male stuffed his mouth with hamburgers and fries. He was never allowed such…unhealthy foods as a child, so this was a rare treat. It seemed like forever, but N finally slowed his food intake, and sat back, contented.

"Was it to your liking?" Cress inquired, leaning towards N expectantly, Cilan mirroring his brother's motions.

N straightened up in his chair. "Why yes, thank you – "

Just then, the "table" popped up into sitting position, sending the dishes and food scraps flying in every direction. In reality, said table was a guy with hair of fire and crimson eyes to match.

"You were eating off of my body!" he screamed.

"Chili!" Cress and Cilan called out their brother's name, both aghast at his sudden and unplanned revelation.

The final triplet ignored his brothers' cried and moved closer to whisper into the ear of the surprisingly unperturbed N. "The ketchup came from my belly button. And the chicken nuggets covered my – "

Abruptly, N stood up, eyes strangely distant and unfocused. "The nourishment provided by your body was delectable, thank you." He handed money over to Cress and Cilan, reminded them to take part in the liberation of Pokemon, and left, like nothing was even amiss.

"Guys," Chili whispered when N had gone. "…He touched my pig-in-a-blanket."

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**I… I. Blame the fantastic web comic Black Adventures, okay? One update inspired me to write this, **_**and **_**to officially name the pairing of N/Chili Nantaimorishipping.**

**Oh yeahhh.**

**Um, reviews?**


	5. Thru the Night

**Holy shit snacks, a lot of people have been reading (or maybe just looking at) this story. Thanks guys!**

**Characters: Unova Gym Leaders, Hawes  
Genre: General, Humor  
Notes: Stereotypes are bad, mmkay? Also, a bit of innuendo because Lenora/Hawes is super legitimate and obviously kinky and what.**

**Important Note: Every time there's a '–' at the end of dialogue, it is a complete scene change. You'll get it.**

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**Thru the Night**

"Dear, I'm sending out the invitations now!" Hawes tied the little envelopes to the feet of several messenger Pidove, each of them rearing to go to all the Gym-residing cities around Unova.

"Thank you, baby," Lenora called to him, climbing down from one of the many step ladders propped up against the maze of bookshelves in her Gym. Underneath her arms, the archeologist carried at least four rather hefty cookbooks, one of which she compiled herself.

Hawes reappeared next to her, helping by grabbing two of the books.

"To think I get to spend this weekend cooking instead of continuing to investigate my most recent breakthrough…" Lenora sighed, but then straightened up, lips stretching into a wide smile. "But I enjoy treating all the other Gym Leaders, you know?"

"And that's why I love you," Hawes said. "You're always so kind. But you know…" His pale skin flushed a deep red and he placed the books on the floor, avoiding Lenora's teal eyes. "…You could, if it takes your mind off your disappointment for a bit…play with my bone."

Lenora dropped her cookbooks as well, bringing a hand up to her mouth. "Ohoho, Hawes, you!" She grabbed the smaller man by the waist, hoisted him up, and carried him to the bedroom.

O-O-O

"Drayden, look what just came in the mail!" Iris ran up to the older man giddily, grasping an envelope in her hands. "It's an invitation…from Lenora!"

The bearded man folded his newspaper in half and sat on the table, bending over in his seat to lift Iris up on to his lap. "Ah, is it really that time of year again?" Drayden neatly slit open the envelope, and then read the contents of the letter.

"Time again for what?" Hey violet eyes peered at him with interest.

"Oh, that's right! This will be your first one. You see, every year, Lenora holds a picnic for all of the Gym Leaders, an annual relaxing get-together of sorts," Drayden explained.

"Neato! Will there be lots of good food?"

"Indeed. Lenora's cooking skills probably surpass the Striaton's triplets! But she does have a few more years of experience on them." He chuckled, the white hair of his beard rustling. "In fact, I'm sure Lenora will be making some of her famous fried –"

"– my hair on this straightener, argh!" Skyla desperately tried to get her hair to stop frizzing out, but to no avail.

"You should seriously let me do your hair _first_, next time," Elesa remarked, taking a brush to her friend's tangled, red locks. "I know my way around hair-styling products."

Skyla sighed. "I know… Thanks for helping me out, Elesa. I really don't want my hair to be a mess for Lenora's picnic this Sunday!" She yanked away from the blonde's prying brush, whipping her head around to face her friend. "Aren't you excited?"

Elesa merely shrugged. "People only like it for the food, most of which I'm picky about anyway…"

"Oh c'mon," Skyla coaxed, poking at the blonde's flat stomach. "You could stand to eat a bit more. Especially since no one can resist Lenora's fantastic fried – "

"- your Bug Pokemon, Burgh! They were no match for my Pansear! It was an all right attempt though."

The artist walked over to his fallen Swadloon, returning the burned bug to its PokeBall. "Thanks for the practice battle, Chili. Looks like I still have to work more on countering my weaknesses…"

"A lot more, if you ever want to beat me!" The flamed-hair boy puffed out his chest, his Pansear doing the same.

"Now, Chili, how many times do I have to tell you - it is unflattering to gloat." Cress flipped his wavy azure hair out of his eyes, looking at his brother admonishingly.

"Yeah, yeah. Sorry, Burgh." Chili shook the Castelia City Leader's hand. Burgh turned to exit the restaurant just as Cilan entered.

Waving an invitation in the air, he grinned. "Looks like it's time to be treated to food even better than our own this weekend."

"Lenora's picnic is coming up?" Chili asked excitedly, running over to his brother. "Sa-weet!"

"Her food his quite delicious," Cress said. "Perhaps we should take cooking lessons from her sometime."

"Even though it seems she has a lot on her plate, I'm sure she'll have time for you three," Burgh told them. "Lenora's a great woman like that."

"I just know I'm pumped to have some of her fried – "

"– my brain, this desert heat has." Clay trudged through the desert, subjected blazing sun and whipping sands, Brycen at his side. "Thank ya fo' comin' wit me," he said to the Ice-type user, who nodded in acknowledgment. "I knew ya would be the most capable for investigatin' these ruins wit me."

Brycen personally couldn't fathom why, besides his high rank among the Unovian Gym Leaders, but said nothing.

"Say, did ya see, Lenora's ann-u-al picnic be comin' up soon. Woo wee, I can't wait to git my hands on some o' her grub!" Clay slapped a palm on his knee. "Reminds me of good-ol' Southern cookin', it does. We ain't got no good stuff like Lenora serves, up north. I mean, dat fried - "

A large gust of wind and sand drowned out his words. And once again, Brycen simply nodded.

O-O-O

Although it earned her a scolding from Drayden, Iris couldn't help but slam her fork and knife on the table out of sheer anticipation. The Unova Gym Leaders, all eleven of them, were seated around a long rectangular table under on pavilion on the outskirts of the forest surrounding Nacrene City. They chatted amongst themselves whilst waiting for Hawes to bring out the main course, the one everyone had been buzzing about.

It wasn't long before he appeared, holding an incredibly large covered tray of food. Lenora jumped up to assist him, and the two placed it on the center of the table.

Chili, who seemed just as excited as Iris, joined her in pounding on the table, to the point that it became some form of drum roll.

Placing a hand on the lid of the tray, Hawes began the announcement. "It's the moment you've all been waiting for... Now proudly presenting, Lenora's famous – " He whipped away the lid dramatically.

Iris gazed at the steaming plate, head cocked to the side in confusion.

"Fried…rice?"

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**Trolololo.**

**I had fun with this chapter, that I did.**

**Reviews are love and greatly appreciated.  
(But you know what's not love and greatly appreciated? Site errors. I want to update my summary, dammit! /raeg) **


	6. With A Light From Above

**Thanks for the reviewers and whatnot, my lovely readers.  
I'm not sure what portion of my brain spawned this, and quite frankly, I don't want to know.**

**Characters: Burgh/someone secret!**  
**Genre: Creepy Romance**

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**with a light from above**

"Burgh!"

"Hey, Burgh, over here!"

"Leader Burgh, we have a few questions!"

The artist raised his hands in acknowledgement, basking in the praise, grinning at the reporters with all their flashing cameras and prodding microphones. A large population of Castelia City's residents were currently gathered at its famed art gallery, where Gym Leader Burgh had recently unveiled his newest collection of art.

As the Bug-trainer was about to enter his conspicuous green and pink striped limo, he was approached by a reporter he recognized from Castelia's number one television news source.

"Burgh, we are airing live, right now. Mind if I ask you a few questions for our viewers?" The young female reporter gave him a desirous stare.

The normally confident artist looked hesitant for a moment. Burgh wasn't a fan of most reporters; a lot of them were from cheap, rumor-filled tabloids that circulated in the shady parts of the city. But part of Burgh knew he could trust this reporter; otherwise, why would channel 11 be the most watched news source?

"Sure, why not?" He gave his widest, reserved-for-public-outings smile.

"Great! So this is your very first gallery featuring _paintings _as opposed to your signature pencil sketch work. What prompted this change?" The reporter held the microphone to Burgh's face expectantly.

"Well I've recently been spending a lot more time in Pinwheel Forest to gain _inspiration_, to get in touch with my -" he glanced down dramatically and placed a hand on his chest, "– pure heart." He stared back up at the reporter with vivid green eyes, causing her to blush. "While in the forest, I began to realize the vibrancy of all the colors – between the green of all the foliage, there were pinks and yellows of wild flowers, blues of the clear skies – and I knew I had to capture them somehow. Through painting, I decided." Burgh straightened back up.

"I see, I see. You've made it clear you're a big fan of illustrating nature. Are there any other subjects you enjoy drawing?"

The artist tapped a finger to his pointed chin, pondering. "Well…" A sly grin appeared on his face as he seemed to daze out…

_I swirled my brush in the beige paint glob on my palette and used it to deftly apply finishing touches to the shading of my subject's jawline. _

_ The top half of his body was almost complete, almost perfect._

_As I went to blend more colors to match his creamy skin tone, I saw him twitch out of the corner of my eye._

_ Was he coming to…?_

_ That definitely wouldn't do; an artist's model must remain perfectly still._

_ I slowly approached his limp form, which was sprawled out on a platform before my easel. The closer I got, the more he seemed to struggle against his restraints._

_ And then, his eyes opened._

_ I could hear his gasp get stuck in his throat, trapped behind the ball gag forced between his lips. He squirmed around, helpless, much like an injured Sewaddle. His screaming, his cries for help, were muffled._

_ Oh, Brycen, how I really wish I didn't have to do this to you._

_ I bent down to his level and looked straight into his icy blue eyes. He had this look of pleading; I had never seen him look so weak, so vunerable. But it struck my pure soul with such intense inspiration!_

_ "I'm sorry, my Muse."_

_ And I pressed the rag to his face._

_ His body went flaccid once again. With all his struggling, I had to take some time to repose him. Although it looked as though I would already need to edit some aspects of my painting due to this mishap..._

_ I sighed, and stared at his lower body, only covered in a thin, white sheet._

_ It was time._

_ Removing it in one swift motion, I could only stare, wide-eyed. For before me laid...a masterpiece._

"Burgh? Excuse me, but do you have an answer to the question?" The reporter spoke, snapping the brunet Gym Leader to attention.

Burgh cleared his throat, and stood up a little taller. "Well lately, I have been working with human anatomy…"

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**lolwut. I love Burgh, even with his abomination of an English name. And I love shipping Burgh with everyone.  
Derp, reviews please?**


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